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Some thoughts

So even though I haven't seen him or spoken to him (or heard from him) since I gave him my number, I am still crazy about him and still hoping things are ok with us. I was gone for the weekend and went to a concert, and he was STILL on my mind, I missed him like crazy. I hate this, every day, I think of him and miss him... yet he is right next door... I just keep trying to tell myself, he is just being a nice neighbor who likes my dogs, because honestly, it probably is that. Sure, he might not have anything to say via text or anything but I can't help but wonder if he even kept the number or if it scared him a bit. Even though, It was very casual. He never gave me his, which, could be many reasons but one is, does he not trust me? Of course, trust takes time and I get that... maybe I am TOO trusting, I don't know, but I have met people just 1 or 2 times before who tell me I have a very trusting face and personality. One time a woman even gave me a pet sit job over the phone and never met me because I sounded trusting. I am sad if it is the case and he doesn't. I am not the type of person to text someone a ton unless its been previously established, you know, like with my closest friends. I rarely even text my family. I know, its my anxiety and I am doing my best to keep it from getting bad, I am doing good I think, they always say "go with your gut" and I have not had a bad feeling about giving him the number since I did. I just start thinking too much and these thoughts come to mind. I really hope we can talk again before I leave for nearly 2 weeks next Tuesday, we can at least plan a time to start working with the dog... and I can maybe offer him to contact me if he gets bored when I am gone or something, not sure though.
You know... I love how happy he makes me, I do. I just HATE feeling the way I do and so strongly for someone who probably doesn't even consider me a friend. I'd honestly trade this crap anyday. I do my best to get rid of it but I can't. I try my best to think of other things and get my mind off him and it can happen a bit but it always ends up with me thinking about him. Its not like I ever WANTED to be in love... really at my age, and never having dated or anything before, I just figured, hell with it, I will accept my life as a forever single woman... and for the most part, I was ok with it. Then this happened... and now I can't imagine how I can live without him in my life forever... its frustrating, and I am taking it slow, I am. Giving him alot of space and respect because of the neighbor thing, I want him to trust me more... but still... my mind can't turn off. The worst thing is, even though the age gap doesn't bother me, it very well could bother him, and that would be the nail in my coffin... and surely it will bother my family and a large group of my friends. Not that I would give up true love for other people to be content but still, I think about it on occasion and how I'd tell them and how they would react. He is close in age to both my parents, but YOUNGER than both.... about a year and a half for my dad and 6 years for my mom. I surely didn't set out to fall in love and especially with someone 19 years older than me... but it happened. I can't figure how to stop it or change it, if its even possible. The reason it doesn't bother me... I have always found older guys attractive, take my LJ namesake for example, he is nearly 52, and I surely would not tell him no if the chance came... and alot of men in that age range do not look their age... and "he" is one of them. I never think about how old he will be in July unless he actually outright says "Ya well, I am almost..." or tells me his birthday. Its only a brief thought and then I move on. When I am with him, I think, of how amazing he is as a person and the age does not matter.... but I just can imagine all the backlash I'd get, which is why, if anything were to ever happen, I'd never tell people the age gap outright, in my family, until they got to know him first. I actually know a girl who is a bit younger than me, who married a guy 20 years older, and they been married 7 years and have a baby. So it can work, its just, would I get to be so lucky? Who knows but I am sure not gonna hold my breath over it. I'd be more shocked if he WAS into me at all than if he never is. That still doesn't change the fact that he is the only person I want to be with.
I was thinking about the "signs" again and while I am not religious really anymore, I do believe, everything happens for a reason. even if it takes hindsight to see it. The thing is... remember first... I never was looking for love... the song ("Haven't met you yet") basically speaks to me aside from the title, and it says this "Whereever you are, whenever its right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life" and holy shit how true that is. How ironic that the first time EVER that a neighbor talks to me first...before my parents, is him... and yet, still its only me. I think about how as a kid I grew this serious facsination with left handed people and would tell alot of my friends (jokingly) "I will end up with a lefty, just you watch" umm and he is left handed. Its not like lefties are horribly common and surely not as a neighbor to just pop into my life. Then I remember he told me he was here in the winter.... so I am guessing he moved in around the holidays, so that gives about 4 months or more of him not saying a word to anyone in my family... yet, just a few weeks AFTER I leave my 20's behind... he talks to me. The fact that he loves huskies and that he says his favorite dog he had growing up was a husky/shep mix (and I was like, thats what Dodger is!... and he smiled) I mean, come on. Then he is not a hunter... and this is a biggie... so I always thought the most important thing was a guy who didn't eat meat... but I met some of those and we just don't have much to go on beyond that, then I realized, while that is a big part of who I am, its not my passion, its not what drives me... but loving animals and advocating for them is, and I am 1000% against hunting. Growing up with a dad and brother who did, and who have hung their heads on the walls, has been hell, and I refuse to have that in relationship. So while I knew he loved dogs, I didn't know how big of a animal lover he was until we talked about feeding squirrels and he told me (and I NEVER said anything prior to this) that he loved all animals but spiders, and that he was not a hunter. Then after that I told him about me being vegetarian and he admired/respected that. There is just so much, so many signs that seem to make it perfect yet.. I can't help but feel, he is just a friendly neighbor. I was not even sure how I'd react to a age gap, when I first fell for him, I had no idea his age but guessed late 30s and was ok with that but I thought, well what if he is older... and the minute he told me, I was shocked but only because he didn't look it, then, it never bothered me again. My love just grew stronger and think of this as the first time I ever fall for someone in my life... and he is next door and we have similar situations with having to live back home as adults... and he very well could of been married or just some really creepy dude but no... I just hate how "perfect" he is for me because it may never come of anything. I keep telling myself, eventually this summer, I am probably gonna have to risk everything we have now to tell him how I feel or my feelings could be the death of me. I hope not though.
Hows this for irony/signs... so my initials spell MNM and it was my nickname from family for many years... so when I got my first pet business I used it but spelt it as M&M and his name also starts with M... so now when I look at the name, it kinda makes my heart flutter.
I truly don't know how I will survive on my trip, my dream trip of a lifetime is nearly a week away and I am not bouncing off the walls, but rather horribly sad knowing I won't see him for nearly 2 weeks on top of already leaving my dogs behind. I really wish I had a decent way of having him text me, at least once while I was gone, so I could feel happy from the things I miss back home. I also really want to get a photo of him. I am just trying to figure out the best, non creepy way to do so. Any ideas?
Also... he mentioned his "lady friend" to me... about a week after we met, just then and only then. Now its not like we are besties and he would tell me everything but if he was serious about her and really not interested in me or trying to make sure I was keeping at bay, am I just weird, or would he not be talking about her more, to kinda let me know. Like, If I felt a guy was into me and I didn't like him, I'd mention a bf or something? Also, he is home all the time, so really, if he sees her, it cant be that serious anyway. Thoughts? Anyone? How do I stop loving him so much and get him off my mind every day? What do you think on 19 year, nearly 20 year, age gap? How about all the signs...? Am I just wishful thinking or does it seem like its truly meant to be in some weird way?

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
hughgrant_4ever
May. 21st, 2012 06:12 pm (UTC)
I'd like to say also, regarding the age. I read online that everyone says "He is old enough to be your father" thats annoying and stupid, this day in age, with teens having babies, it doesn't take much to have someone be old enough to be a father then... so thats not fair to say.
The bottom line, he isn't my father, so who cares. I swear If I dated him, I may smack anyone who says that old enough thing. Get with the times people
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