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20 flippin days

This is the longest I ever went without him and it SUKED. I hate how this is the only real happiness I have in life anymore besides my dogs. Anyway... the heat wave ended and Monday I went back over but his mom came and said "he is busy doing chores, he can't come right now" so naturally, I took it to heart and thought the worst. Then the next day, he smiled and waved at me and the day after, wave and a Hi, so I figured, he obviously isn't mad, I am gonna go Friday, well then the news man said its gonna get muggy again tomorrow so I said, ok, ok, I'll go today. I wasn't able to stay long because it was getting hot... and he has no shade in the fron yard. Suky. Anyway... we didn't talk about much and I was too excited to really comphrended my thoughts, lol so he basically just told me about his crazy 4th of July where he had to "parent" his mom and how he has only 6 weeks left of his hand stuff and then Aug 22 he goes in to see if its cleared, which means early Sept for hand 2 and I am gonna offer to drive, logically, it makes sense, having someone who is home during the day and literally next door, rather than have someone take off time for it. Anyway... I had mentioned how Monday I came by for a ride with the dogs and I and he said he would of taken us. DAMN IT!!! Seriously... I would of died... why the hell did that shit not work out in my favor? Maybe I need to hold off on a car a bit longer lol. Then we talked about his mom and how he is looking into homes for her (uh oh) and that or me could mean, he may move sooner than I thought. We need to have a long serious chat sometime soon. I said I'd come by wen its cooler and on his birthday and he says ok. I also told him to chat sometime at the fence and he says ok, we will see. I totally am stupid and didn't think to ask for his number by saying in case I need a ride again... ugh... I hate how I can never think of things at the time. I also didn't get pictures, he was standing basically the whole time, so no uber
cuteness with the dogs anyway. I hope I get to go by before his birthday to get the pics for the card I wanna make. Come on weather!!    At least I know he isn't mad. Although I am 98% sure he doesn't like me and never will. I will never understand why things happeend as they did, he coudl of at least been married or some creepy weirdo but no.... the perfect guy for me... ugh... anyway..Somehow I am gonna talk him into something on his birthday.

4th of July and then some

So its the 4th of July. Here in the US, its supposedly a big deal. I complained about not liking today on facebook and was bitched at for being "un patriotic" now...firstly... not liking a holiday, does not mean, i hate my country etc. I just hate today. I hate fireworks. I hate how people don't care that dogs hate fireworks and having delt with terrified dogs for years, I can tell you its not fun. They do not understand, all they know, is its super low and it terrifies them. I am as patriotic as I can be, I don't care 1 lick about politics. I vote but I really could care less in the end. I complain about things like illegal immagration as many fellow americans do. I felt "more at home" in England than I ever did here... but I still know, I am an american. So I'll be happy about it. I does not mean I have to love everything about it, I never downgrade or talk smack about the troops etc. Its like people who don't like christmas, I would not say, they are God haters. I get it, Christmas is commerialized and not everyone loves it. Most holidays lose their meaning. It just because about other things. A excuse to get off work. So, yes I hate the 4th, I always have. You will never get me to go see fireworks in person and you won't ever see me at some big barbeque. However... I do not hate America. So seriously, people need to chill the hell out. I have a right to dislike a holiday. I also hate thanksgiving... get on my case about it, I really don't care but when that day has never been anything to you "but another day", whats to love about it?                     On to other things.... its been 12 days since we had that amazing talk. Still the best ever. <3 thus far anyway. Granted I spoke to him for like 30 seconds or so on Sunday and we made alot of eye contact... and then I saw him mowing Monday when he walked past my window, kinda spooked me ha! I still am going a bit crazy. I hate this heat wave. I wish I had been able to talk to him before and ask if he had plans today. Not that I'd see fireworks with him but I'd do just about anything else. Now I guess I'll have to ask "What did you do on the 4th?" I am trying to get the courage to ask him "out" in a way. Not officially like, oh lets go on a date.... but just to ask him to do something with me. Maybe even for his birthday, even though, he says its just another day. I'd still happily spend time with him. I do not care what we do. I get so worried sometimes, like yesterday and this sounds stalkery I know but its not like I can help it really. I sleep with my window open in the summer, no curtain, I like waking up to natural light. So at night, since I know his room is the one across from mine, I always see his light on probably about 8 or 9. Last night, it was not on at all, and I went to bed at nearly midnight and still not. Now I can assume he might of been too hot and slept elsewhere, or he might of went to bed early, or just decided to watch tv in the dark, etc etc but of course my mind was, he is out with her, he lied to me. They are dating. Then I started to drive myself a bit nuts over it and nits not like I can ask him... well I saw your light was off.... that would scare him... so I'll never know but I gotta stop doing this to myself. I have to realize, he probably does like her and thats all I can do. I have to somehow try to accept he wont ever like me. Even as a great friend, to hang out with. I can't wrap my head around the why though. Thats what keeps me going. I talked to many people about this issue, mostly ones who I don't know. I went on site written by a man who a psychology degree and he seemed to know his stuff, and he blogged about how to tell if a guy likes you so I sent him my story, such a nice perosn, he has wrote me back both times. Anyway he said something to me that no one else has and when I thought about it, it made a shit load of sense but then I come back to  his  other part of the answer  "so I am confused though why he hasn't asked you out yet. maybe he is shy and you need to give him a push" ok first...his thing that got me thinking "as a man, I can tell you, I don't randomly make chats with women I am not interested in, especially in the neighborhood, you said, he only talks to a couple... and you... why not your parents?"YES! Exactly...so sure he says my moms dog was jumping up to see him but could he not of just pet him? Why make a chat with me? Why only me.... he has made a good enough connection with me now to say "I'd like to talk to your parents " and  he even met my mom super quick, but never asked her anything beyond her name. Yet... he continues to have longer and longer chats with me and he has allowed me to come by his home anytime. Which apparently makes his mom really happy. The thing is.... this couple he talks to and even the elderly couple who bakes for his mom sometime, never come to his home. They meet on mutal ground or int he other person driveway. They are also BOTH couples. I am single and he has to know that by now. Seeing as I never talk about guys and why tell me TWICE that you and your "lady friend" are just friends? If you were simply being a friendly neighbor... you would get to know my family, not just me, as they are the ones who live here and own the house. My dad has even walked the dog by his house and he was outside and said/did nothing. Why if you are just being neighborly... would you tell me personal stuff about your mom, I mean, even the day we met. he tells me the name of the place his grandma is at and her full name. Why? I am a stranger. Then you can play the game I always do... well maybe he just likes the dogs... sure he loves them. However, as this man also pointed out "the dogs are a common ground sure but its mostly a excuse to interact with you" and yes, that makes sense! See most people in the neighborhood I visit with my dogs, we talk maybe 5-10 min and they pet the dogs and give them treats and we go, some of them I only see every few months. This is the behavior I'd expect from someone who just liked the dogs. He will pet them fisrt but ALWAYS turns right to me, looks me in the eye and smiles and says, thanks for bringing them... and we sometimes talka bout them and he will interact with them but its not the biggest part of our chats. in fact, alot of time can go by where he is just talking and ignoring the dogs. I think about the fisrt 1 hr chat we had over the fence, now sure, my dogs where in the yard with me... 2 of them but it was me, he was talking to for a hour, he was not petting them or anything. It seems more than neighborly... my gut says, he likes me but my head tells me no. My heart... well, all I know is it wants to be with him. The thing is.. I am confused too as to if he does, why has he not asked me to do anything.... why does he not give me his number or make more of an effort to keep in touch with me.... now he does not come by but I think in part, he might feel awakrd with my parents around. I have never said he could come by but I might. Its not always me that keeps in contact... remember he initiated our initial chat and the next 4 times after. Now sure I had to go to him on the 22 but he stays inside alot since his surgery and he is limited in things now. he isn't outside much anymore. Yet... the tuesday after when he was mowing... i was out getting my mail and it was HIM who waved and smile at  me... he had to of been watching me get the mail and waited to see if i would look, because it was like instnat. Then on sunday when he was mowing....it was kinda weird....he had to of seen me again, walking the dogs by him, because he was walking backwards into the street, he mows with 1 hand....and was shoving the mower back into the lawn so i kinda was gonna wait for him to get out of the street and he ges in the grass, i walk by and he turns and smile and said hi. Then I come back form the walk.... and he stops, it was bizzare because usually he does that and wants to pet them and he was looking at  me smiling and I kinda stopped figuring he wanted to see them. So I looked at him and he says "its hot out here" and i nodded since the mower was so loud and pointed to the ground, where the sink hole he showed me was "i said, ya i know, its gotten bigger" and he said "ya i showed the city that before" anyway that was it, and he mowed and i left... but why he stopped to look at me. no idea.I am so confused and everyone says I have to be the one to push him or ask him out... and go figure, the clueless idiot who has never even had a date before. yes, this will end well LOL. im just too scared to scare him away and make things awakrd. sigh.... anyway that was my lovely duel rant/blab. i better get on my way to doing nothing :)

Tags:

best day ever

whats weird about our chats, they may not come too often, but they always get better each time and i go home thinking, it cant be topped, then it is
so today i was determined, one way or another to talk to him. its been too long. so i went to his house and knocked, his mom answered with a big smile again (and later he retells me yet again how excited she is that i come, she just freaks out)
I brought some pics from my trip because i wanted to show him the uk wildlife. most people i know, would not appreciate pics like that. he loved them and asked alot about them. i also  had treats in my pocket for him to give dodger and my dog did his whole array of tricks, it was adorable. then he tried one himself haha! he said it was bland and told me not to make him bacon and eggs and subsitute dog bacon, so apparently i am cooking for him? lol we talked about alot of random crap and he brought up some woman named kathy so i was like, oh, is she your lady friend? he laughed. well i only said that to torment my mom. he said they went to coffee once and he told his mom it was a date, but they are not dating, they are just friends. she is older than him by 2 years. i also found out, he, like me, hates coffee. seriously so weird how much we have in common. we talked about his mom again and he was telling me how hard its getting because she is getting worse, he said, she doesnt know your name but she knows you but i am sure at some point, she wont even know who i am. he had to use pictures to point out her brother to her since he is visiting in september. we talked about baseball, again lol and he told me his dad did die 13 years ago. i suspected as much but didnt want to ask. we talked about animals again and the ones in duluth who died and how we both (said it at the same time even) thought it would be super cool to have seen the seal out and about in town. he says he might go to duluth one weekend, his niece lives there. i told him i take the dogs there every year. then i asked about his car, i wanted to know if it was roomie because i am looking for one to fit my dogs in and he took me over and showed me it and how it folds down and everything. he also walked me to the end of the road and showed me the hole in the road thats near his house, and my mom peeked out, haha i had been gone about a hour at this point, she told me later, she was worried about me and the dog in the heat... (haha mom, just falling in love again, all is well) i got a few pics of him and my dog. finally but i want better ones. i asked if he had any plans for his big birthday next month and he said no, its just another day. (i am thinking of taking him to coffee as part of it, if thats not too creepy) and i again told him he does not look even close to 50. he laughed. i was like, im serious. sometimes i wish i was older, because i wonder if my age does bother him. the entire chat, minus the time when he was giving treats and showing the car, we sat in the grass together, i touched his hand a few more times and i mean, all we had between us, was my dog. the neighbor lady, the wife of his friend, pulled up and he waved at her then he was walking to show me the car and she asked him how he was doing, and he said good and just went back to taling to me,. holy shit. so i was not someone he was embarassed at all to be seen with, the only thing was, during our chat, he got like 3 text messages, or maybe 3 alerts for 1 and he checked it and it was from kathy. :(   i asked how long they had been dating and he said we are not. then he just told me again, it was his friend, they met back when he lived in a townhome. she still lives there. they used to talk outside sometimes and then he moved and they "catch up" over coffee sometimes but he is single. so yay?!! haha i honestly dont know if this plays in my favor or not
at any rate, i am madly in love STILL. i feel he is THE GUY for me... and i doubt either one of those will ever change, even if he never likes me back. however after today, had someone asked me "do you think he likes you?" id say yes, with complete certainty

A great morning

So I was prepared to walk my other dog up to see him and he was outside mowing and while he waved at me as I passed, nothing more. I came back from the walk and my dog tried to walk up the stairs to his door and he must of saw because all the sudden I hear him stop the mower and I look and he says "Hey Patch, you trying to come visit?" And he came to see him and pet him. I talked to him at least a half hour today but probably longer, he complained about his mom (LOL) and told me more about his surgery and getting his cast off, and I offered to let him walk Patch and said, clearly he would love it, I wish I could tell you so you understand but Patch was like SOOOOOO content and happy. He was moving around on his back from side to side and waiting for belly rubs and following him everywhere. He asked me if he plays ball and I said no, but you can teach him and then he asked if he likes sticks and I said sure but he never used one with him, instead, he got up from petting him and starting running all around the front yard and Patch was so happy and chasing him. This is a very independent dog, he RARELY gets in these moods, he is much more content hunting critters or just chilling in the shade in the yard but he was happy and it made me want to melt. He would stop and psych him out and be like, come on Patch, come on... so yes, clearly Patch loves him and while if you know Patch, you could say he loves anyone... and he probably does, he is a dog, after all but he never plays with even people in my family. Once in a blue moon I'll get him going and have him chase me or he wants me to chase him but its not often. I could of taken pictures here and I wish I would of but for one, I only had my mediocre cellphone which probably would of suked at action but for two, I was so lost in the moment, I forgot. This happens when I am with him, I get so happy and everything feels so right, all I can do is stand there, smiling. I think next time I go by with pictures (yes I told him I'd bring pictures of the England wildlife because he apparently doesn't use email) I'll bring treats and have him have Patch do some tricks. We had lots of laughs like usual and he gave Dingo the nickname, "devil dog" and I again told him to please not give up on her. Don't give up on me. I told him to trust me and we could help her together, and I wont let her bite him. He says he will try again. We talked about his room, why? I have no idea, lol but he did again point out the room and it is the one right across from my window, if thats not a sign..... I asked as I was leaving if it was ok I stopped by yesterday and knocked and he says, oh yes! My mom gets so happy, she runs to yell for me... "that lady is here again with her animal" and then follows me until I go outside. She is very excited when you come by. (this can only make me wonder if she WANTS us to be together because she apparently hates strangers. She did smile at me yesterday when she opened the door)
If it wasn't for the whole text thing and honestly, it could be any reason, even someting as simple as I prefer to talk in person, I'd say he liked me. I can feel it and the way he acts just makes it seem and WHY would he invite me to "come by anytime" to the door and say its perfectly ok, I can tell you, even his male neighbor friend never does this. They only talk in the guys driveway. I swear I'd like to go by sometime without the dogs, because if he invited me in, I'd probably faint but I feel weird going there without them as I can't fully convince myself that its not true that he only talks to me because of them. I am trying to be patient and loving it but its so hard when we can't really hang out and talk, it is odd sometime being int he yard and he never comes to my yard. I wish I knew but I am too scared to say anything, at least right now...

Finally a update!

Well I am back from Europe. I am glad because I had fun but the weather suked and I was sick to death of taking trains. Anyway obviously I have been missing him horribly and wanting to see him badly, so I tried 2x today. First time I brought both dogs over but he was out. So this evening I had Dodger and we stopped by, good thing cuz he was leaving for baseball so I would of missed all chances. So needless to say our convo was short. He asked about my trip but we didn't talk about it much yet, I was more concerned with how he was doing and it made me so sad to see him in a cast. Dodger kissed it. I wanted to get a picture of them but since things were so fast, I had no time to really take any. He told me was not sure about working with Dingo anymore, and my heart stopped. Then I asked why and he said, he was thinking about it (translation, thinking about me! omg!) and he was not sure he should mess with her if she has a murmur. He was worried about stressing her out too much, I assured him the murmur is nothing to be overly concerned about. Then I told him he was the only guy to ever pet her who didn't live with her, he was modest and says, it was because I was holding her, ha, no my friend, it was because she felt your calmness and she trusted you enough. I wont let him give up on her, thats all people have done to her and thats why she is so bad. Hope we have time to really talk about it more. I want to ask him for a email address so I can show him some of the wildlife pictures I took overseas, I know he would love them but that will have to wait til next time which I plan to do tomorrow, with Patch. My gosh, I can't believe how crazy in love with him I am. I seriously just can't even explain it really... but the worst part is knowing, he probably wont ever like me back, I can't help but assume he only likes me for the dogs and some time I'd love to hang out with him without them but not sure how to even do that casually without seeming creepy. At any rate... I have been thinking alot about him, duh, what else is new? I am still not phased by the age gap. I never think about it when I am with him. However, I know it may bother him and maybe it bothers others, or would. I know people say the whole father figure thing and to me, if that was the case, I would of had many males, even friends in my life, and I'd of been dating random older men for years, neither is true. In fact, he is one of 2 guy friends I have around here, the other is gay. I have NEVER dated anyone either. So ya... while my dad and I have a mediocore relationship, I am not trying to find someone to "look up to and to take care of me" I am looking for someone to be my equal, my best friend and who I can take care of and look to, not up to. No father figure issues here and I am surely not a gold digger, the man has no job even right now. I feel so weird and odd because I am a rare breed, I truly honest to god care about others more than myself and I don't ask for much in life. He has passed my most important thing in a mate with flying colors.... the love and compassion he shows my dogs. And the fact that he never made fun of Dodger's party but thought it was cool and understands how important they are to me etc shows he gets it. I always thought being a vegetarian or vegan was a must in a mate. However he is not one and I am completely ok with it.... why? Well for one, he respects that I am and thinks its great and his love for animals is so amazing, I know he understands why I do it. For me, the fact that he is not a hunter is WAY more important. Now this is not to get in a debate here but this is highly important to me, growing up with a dad and brother who hunt ALL the time and have animal heads all over and carcasses in the freezer, has been hell for me. I refuse to live that way with a mate. He told me was not a hunter before I even told him I was against it and a vegetarian. The fact that he was able to put down a gun and see the beauty in a animal who was alive and not wanting to kill it anyway, shows me he is truly the perfect guy for me. Also he calls the deer heads in my basement "death row". It kills me sometimes because its like, this was the moment when he went from a guy I thought was amazing and could be perfect for me to "holy shit he is my other half, the missing piece of my heart" or... its the worst joke ever played on me... and I know I am not pretty and I never will be, I can't change my face. My personality can only get me so far but I can't help but think he only likes my dogs and not really me. He seems so comfortable with me and loves to talk and laughs and smiles alot and always gives eye contact (which to some people, they say thats flirting) but then, he seems like he doesn't want to go anywhere beyond the yard... he told me before I left he needs to start walking more for therapy and I am gonna offer to let him walk one of the boys and say that I don't even have to come if he didn't want to, its just showing him then, that I trust him. I keep trying to prepare myself for the worst... him not liking me back but even though I want to be ok with that, I am not sure I would be. Right now, just having him as a friend in my life is amazing but what if I lose that too? Then it is truly a cruel joke... and I am scared to cope. I wish I knew if he really liked me, even as a friend, or what.... I hate that he is so perfect for me and is the only person who I have ever truly connected with like this, the only person I ache to be with and miss when I am away and yes that includes my family... I never asked for this, "love found me" but now, I don't know how to handle it. I remember the day I met him like it was yesterday but I probably looked like shit, who knows, all I know is that day, I was content being me and living my life to be forever single... now I don't want to be forever single, I want to be with him. No one else. Even throw me a hot celebrity and I would pick him, honest to god. I was in England for gods sakes and I could not even really look and gawk at the brits, because my heart is taken. I have a great gift idea planned for his 50th. I really hope it pans out. My mom always asks me about him and encourages me to talk to him, this is insane if you know my mom, she is never like this. Any other guys I have known in the past have not been well looked upon by her, she questioned everything. She never questions him... I sometimes wonder if she knows I like him and she is happy for me or she is just happy I have a friend. Although to be honest, he is probably more the dogs friend than mine :)
I have even tried to think honestly to myself.... if anything were to happen... would I be ok with him living with his mom and not spending tons of time with me? What if he could not go back to work due to his hands? What if he has kids or something that I have yet to know about? Then of course the biggies, my first kiss and my first time and would I be ok with it being him? YES to that one. It scares me to think about but not because its him but the unknown and not being "good enough" with someone expirenced but I can't say anyone I've ever met before would make me feel safe and comfortable enough to go there but with him, yes. I am obviously ok with him living with his mom and I am not needy, I am learning alot of patience with this and Its good for me. I respect he wants his space and has a life, so I'd be ok with that. I don't need a man with a job, I need a man with a heart of gold, who I can trust, and who makes me laugh and is good to me and my dogs. Everything else will work itself out in the end. I want to ask about the kids thing but if he says he does, it might be weird to hear but who cares as long as he does not want more.... then i might have to rethink things since I have 0 desire to have any kids of my own....but a kid with him? Maybe I'd be ok with it. I know I think too much. Ha! I just don't know if I should ever tell him how I feel and if so, how long should I wait? I am terrified to lose him in my life. However, I don't know how long I can keep it from him... but part of me thinks he already knows. Sigh... why oh why did I have to fall in love... and out of my league? He is not by any means drop dead sexy... he is very average and it took me a while to find him SEXY but I do, its probably because I am so in love with HIM overall that I just can see it now and its hard to be with him sometimes when everything seems so right and perfect and knowing it may never be.... Anyway if you read this, thanks. I just needed to say some things.

Update from england

Hi. It's 3 am in London and I have jet leg. Firstly my first oversea flight was über boring but hey I made it. My phone won't work here at all. Thank god for wi fi. Went to london eye yesterday but not much else. My big reason to blog....I talked to him right before I left. Wahoo. Things are great between us. I was so worried from last time that I almost talked myself out of going to chat with him. I told myself....all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage and something great will happen. It is so true. I walked up to his front door and knocked. His mom answered. She seeemed confused and asked if I wanted to talk to him. Then went to get him. I told him I just came by to wish him good luck on his surgery since I will be gone when he has it. He thanked me and put on shoes and came out. He was petting the dog and we chatted. He asked me if I ever saw cujo. Ha hell no. He says it's good but I'd be seeing dogs different. Talked about therapy work and his surgery. It sounds so gross. He has to get the other hand done in august. He won't be back to work any earlier than march. Anyway he randomly asks me to go gt the dog who I wanted him to work with. He walked to my yard with me...omg it was perfect. I brought her out but unlike anyone before...he didn't back off. Just waited it out. Then asked me to hold her nose so he could pet her. He did...and this is something her vet can't even do. It's huge. The trust she had with him and trust he had in me. When we were working with ever. It felt so right. Like...we should do this forever. He is s calm. He is gonna work more with her when I am back. Can't wait. He met mom for like a second but she is so shy. She went back in. In shook his hand and say see you when I am back, ahhhh I touched his hand. Later I walked dodger and he was still outside. He came to pet him. We talked a lot about his mom and grandma and I brushed against his hand....to show him where dodger was burned years ago. He happily talked about baseball again. Then he said when I am back he would love a dog visit. He said to knock anytime and come by....even through the back door. I wonder who will help him out when he has surgery? Oh please not the lady friend. I wil, offer. Ya know...more and more it seems so right and meant to be. I really have never connected like this with anyone before. 

Its been a week now

Since that amazing night when I gave him my number and he introduced me to his mom. I was so  happy for days after that, nothing could stop me from smiling. Then I got a tad worried Sunday that maybe he hadn't texted me because of some bad reason, like he didn't even consider me a friend... or I scared him but then Monday I saw him outside mowing and THREE times, he waved smile and said hi, all his initiation so clearly, the idea of me scaring him, isn't true but I can't help but wonder why then... now sure it could be said that maybe he doesn't like to text...but he did tell me he had unlimited texting and he only texted 3 people... or maybe he is truly using it for why I said... when he is ready to help with the dog.... or maybe he didn't keep it... who knows? I HOPE to hell I get to talk to him in the next 4 days before my 10 day trip, or I'll go insane. I miss him talking to him so much already. When I do talk next, I am gonna again make sure he is still on board with the dog and then say something like, well see, thats why I gave you my info, because we don't get to talk that often and its much easier to plan something like this via text or call. Then see what happens. I can't help but think even if he just thinks of me as a nice neighbor... that he wouldn't want me to have his number. TONS of people give their neighbors their numbers, just in case anything ever happens and with his surgery coming up, and his mom limited on what she can do, you think he would want someone to have it... but who knows? Maybe he truly doesn't like me at all, its only my dogs... however... that brings me to this
So lets say for arguments sake... he does only like my dogs.... then WHY talk to me so long? So often and look me in the eye? Most people around here who like my dogs will pet them, talk briefly and be on their way, they certainly don't have at length chats with me. So I am horribly confused if this is the case
Lets also say for arguments sake that he only does think of me as a nice neighbor lady.... again WHY talk to so often and smile and wave all the time? Now sure I don't know what he does every day... or who he talks to etc but from being outside alot with my dogs and being able to hear or see next door, I can tell you, I have only ever seen him talk to 1 other neighbor, a guy. He has known for years... and even then, they don't talk often, its usually late in the day and maybe 20 minutes or so...I have NEVER heard or seen him talk to any of the man's family though and they are outside alot. in fact, a few times i have chatted with him, they have been outside and he doesn't even wave but he waves to the guy when he is out. He told me once about a neighbor who made his mom cookies, and brought them over, HIS MOM not him and this was years ago, so he wasn't living here.. idk. It makes no sense to me really, like if he was so into knowing the neighbors and only thought of me as one, then wouldn't he just wanna casually chat with my family too or the other people near by outside? He seems very much in his own world alot of times. In fact, most times we do end up chatting its because he is out in his garage sitting in a chair, people watching. I just can't see how he would want to talk to me so much, introduce me to his mom, even as a neighbor, its supposedly something no one really does, my family doesn't know her, I can tell you that much.... so confusing
I really wish I knew, up until this whole text thing, I thought at the very least, he liked me as a friend... now I am not even sure of that. I don't wanna ruin things but i can't keep living like this either and only talking by chance... I wish I could get him to text me sometimes, or to do something with me like walk the dogs... but I think he is very shy. Its hard to pull him out of his comfort zone and I think this is honestly why he didn't come to the party. He loves my dog... he thought it was cool and he at least likes talking to me... so why not come?? Shyness. I can bet if we had known each other for years or that I lived alone with the dogs, he would of come. I really truly hope helps with the dog, I need it. I can't seem to find anyone who really gets the whole calm, assertive thing and yet, he just oozes that energy. I even feel it.
Its hilarious that my dad randomly asked me Monday, pointing to his house, "Is he your buddy?" I wanted to say yes...but I really didn't know. I am so confused... I don't wanna mess things up but I don't even know what things are right now. so its tough, all I know, is I am gonna miss him like crazy when I am gone. I need to talk before I leave... and I can only hope he will contact me at least 1x when I am away
Being in love absolutely suks, its only great when you are in the moment with the person, but I guess my situation, chatting by chance, is what makes it suk even more than it being 1 sided and unlikely....

Some thoughts

So even though I haven't seen him or spoken to him (or heard from him) since I gave him my number, I am still crazy about him and still hoping things are ok with us. I was gone for the weekend and went to a concert, and he was STILL on my mind, I missed him like crazy. I hate this, every day, I think of him and miss him... yet he is right next door... I just keep trying to tell myself, he is just being a nice neighbor who likes my dogs, because honestly, it probably is that. Sure, he might not have anything to say via text or anything but I can't help but wonder if he even kept the number or if it scared him a bit. Even though, It was very casual. He never gave me his, which, could be many reasons but one is, does he not trust me? Of course, trust takes time and I get that... maybe I am TOO trusting, I don't know, but I have met people just 1 or 2 times before who tell me I have a very trusting face and personality. One time a woman even gave me a pet sit job over the phone and never met me because I sounded trusting. I am sad if it is the case and he doesn't. I am not the type of person to text someone a ton unless its been previously established, you know, like with my closest friends. I rarely even text my family. I know, its my anxiety and I am doing my best to keep it from getting bad, I am doing good I think, they always say "go with your gut" and I have not had a bad feeling about giving him the number since I did. I just start thinking too much and these thoughts come to mind. I really hope we can talk again before I leave for nearly 2 weeks next Tuesday, we can at least plan a time to start working with the dog... and I can maybe offer him to contact me if he gets bored when I am gone or something, not sure though.
You know... I love how happy he makes me, I do. I just HATE feeling the way I do and so strongly for someone who probably doesn't even consider me a friend. I'd honestly trade this crap anyday. I do my best to get rid of it but I can't. I try my best to think of other things and get my mind off him and it can happen a bit but it always ends up with me thinking about him. Its not like I ever WANTED to be in love... really at my age, and never having dated or anything before, I just figured, hell with it, I will accept my life as a forever single woman... and for the most part, I was ok with it. Then this happened... and now I can't imagine how I can live without him in my life forever... its frustrating, and I am taking it slow, I am. Giving him alot of space and respect because of the neighbor thing, I want him to trust me more... but still... my mind can't turn off. The worst thing is, even though the age gap doesn't bother me, it very well could bother him, and that would be the nail in my coffin... and surely it will bother my family and a large group of my friends. Not that I would give up true love for other people to be content but still, I think about it on occasion and how I'd tell them and how they would react. He is close in age to both my parents, but YOUNGER than both.... about a year and a half for my dad and 6 years for my mom. I surely didn't set out to fall in love and especially with someone 19 years older than me... but it happened. I can't figure how to stop it or change it, if its even possible. The reason it doesn't bother me... I have always found older guys attractive, take my LJ namesake for example, he is nearly 52, and I surely would not tell him no if the chance came... and alot of men in that age range do not look their age... and "he" is one of them. I never think about how old he will be in July unless he actually outright says "Ya well, I am almost..." or tells me his birthday. Its only a brief thought and then I move on. When I am with him, I think, of how amazing he is as a person and the age does not matter.... but I just can imagine all the backlash I'd get, which is why, if anything were to ever happen, I'd never tell people the age gap outright, in my family, until they got to know him first. I actually know a girl who is a bit younger than me, who married a guy 20 years older, and they been married 7 years and have a baby. So it can work, its just, would I get to be so lucky? Who knows but I am sure not gonna hold my breath over it. I'd be more shocked if he WAS into me at all than if he never is. That still doesn't change the fact that he is the only person I want to be with.
I was thinking about the "signs" again and while I am not religious really anymore, I do believe, everything happens for a reason. even if it takes hindsight to see it. The thing is... remember first... I never was looking for love... the song ("Haven't met you yet") basically speaks to me aside from the title, and it says this "Whereever you are, whenever its right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life" and holy shit how true that is. How ironic that the first time EVER that a neighbor talks to me first...before my parents, is him... and yet, still its only me. I think about how as a kid I grew this serious facsination with left handed people and would tell alot of my friends (jokingly) "I will end up with a lefty, just you watch" umm and he is left handed. Its not like lefties are horribly common and surely not as a neighbor to just pop into my life. Then I remember he told me he was here in the winter.... so I am guessing he moved in around the holidays, so that gives about 4 months or more of him not saying a word to anyone in my family... yet, just a few weeks AFTER I leave my 20's behind... he talks to me. The fact that he loves huskies and that he says his favorite dog he had growing up was a husky/shep mix (and I was like, thats what Dodger is!... and he smiled) I mean, come on. Then he is not a hunter... and this is a biggie... so I always thought the most important thing was a guy who didn't eat meat... but I met some of those and we just don't have much to go on beyond that, then I realized, while that is a big part of who I am, its not my passion, its not what drives me... but loving animals and advocating for them is, and I am 1000% against hunting. Growing up with a dad and brother who did, and who have hung their heads on the walls, has been hell, and I refuse to have that in relationship. So while I knew he loved dogs, I didn't know how big of a animal lover he was until we talked about feeding squirrels and he told me (and I NEVER said anything prior to this) that he loved all animals but spiders, and that he was not a hunter. Then after that I told him about me being vegetarian and he admired/respected that. There is just so much, so many signs that seem to make it perfect yet.. I can't help but feel, he is just a friendly neighbor. I was not even sure how I'd react to a age gap, when I first fell for him, I had no idea his age but guessed late 30s and was ok with that but I thought, well what if he is older... and the minute he told me, I was shocked but only because he didn't look it, then, it never bothered me again. My love just grew stronger and think of this as the first time I ever fall for someone in my life... and he is next door and we have similar situations with having to live back home as adults... and he very well could of been married or just some really creepy dude but no... I just hate how "perfect" he is for me because it may never come of anything. I keep telling myself, eventually this summer, I am probably gonna have to risk everything we have now to tell him how I feel or my feelings could be the death of me. I hope not though.
Hows this for irony/signs... so my initials spell MNM and it was my nickname from family for many years... so when I got my first pet business I used it but spelt it as M&M and his name also starts with M... so now when I look at the name, it kinda makes my heart flutter.
I truly don't know how I will survive on my trip, my dream trip of a lifetime is nearly a week away and I am not bouncing off the walls, but rather horribly sad knowing I won't see him for nearly 2 weeks on top of already leaving my dogs behind. I really wish I had a decent way of having him text me, at least once while I was gone, so I could feel happy from the things I miss back home. I also really want to get a photo of him. I am just trying to figure out the best, non creepy way to do so. Any ideas?
Also... he mentioned his "lady friend" to me... about a week after we met, just then and only then. Now its not like we are besties and he would tell me everything but if he was serious about her and really not interested in me or trying to make sure I was keeping at bay, am I just weird, or would he not be talking about her more, to kinda let me know. Like, If I felt a guy was into me and I didn't like him, I'd mention a bf or something? Also, he is home all the time, so really, if he sees her, it cant be that serious anyway. Thoughts? Anyone? How do I stop loving him so much and get him off my mind every day? What do you think on 19 year, nearly 20 year, age gap? How about all the signs...? Am I just wishful thinking or does it seem like its truly meant to be in some weird way?

Well he has my number

Ok.... so I briefly had that chat Saturday then things seemed weird, I felt like he was avoiding me and maybe scared I'd be mad he never came... but then yesterday... he was outside with a sprinkler installer and one of the dogs was over barking at him (our returned foster, he doesnt like hats) and he peeked over the gate and was petting the dogs and said hey to me. I heard him say when he turned to walk with the installer "I love those dogs. That one doesn't scare me, his tail was wagging and we are friends anyway" my heart melted... but then I got worried again because I was not having any luck to actually TALK to him... like his mom was mowing the yard and not him (which she has dementia so that worried me a bit that he lied... until tonight... but I'll get there) anyway so tonight I heard him out talking to his neighbor friend and thought, hell with it, I'll make my own luck. I walked one of my dogs... and just walked past on the way and on the way back, casually waved at him. He got up and started walking TOWARD me... I was like freaking out a bit. Then he loudly calls my dog by name and says "hey buddy!" and he sits in the grass and my dog lays by him. All is well in the world, at this point, as always when I talk to him, nothing else in the world mattered, no one was there, it was just us and my dog. My heart was happy. So we talked alot, about randomness again but I asked him about everything I wanted to like how I saw his mom mowing and he says oh ya she likes to do it sometimes so I let her... then I asked how his grandma was doing, he said she is 95 and still hanging in there.... and then I told him the answer to a fence question he had for me the day we met... he was pretty impressed I remembered, I also asked him the news on his sugery, no word yet. Taking ages I tell you.... and then I told him I was going to Europe. He asked which parts and I told him, when I said Dublin he goes "Ahh u2 is from there, my favorite band!" (umm I love them too!) then I asked him if he got tickets to see them when they were here and he says he tried but no luck. I casually got him to tell me his actual birthdate. I said, something about, oh well it will be before your birthday, July right? Then he said the date. (Good to know) and we talked more about animals, we talked about my return foster dog and he was gonna ask around for me, we talked about a albino bird he saw and how he was feeding the ducks this am (bloody hell and I missed it?) then I got brave and asked him... so my parents dog... you never met her yet, she hates men, I was wondering, especially since you are a cesar fan, if you would be willing to help me with that someday and he says yes "I am not afraid of dogs at all, she will love me" (umm duh, who wouldnt!) then I showed him my picture of when Dodger and I met cesar and I impressed him by dropping my dogs leash, right there, in the grass.... and he stayed right next to him and didn't flinch. Then he impressed me by snapping patch out of fixating on a cat... and then he got up to demonstate (which was so adorable, i could of died, where was my photographers? LOL) how the kids play t ball and how funny it is. We also talked about wolves and wolf hybrids and just all sorts of awesomeness. I then asked him, you got time? I am gonna go get Dodger, he misses you and wants to see you (its been since april 23) and he said sure... so I did go get him, I come back and his mom is outside talking to him. Normally I respect that because I dont wanna but in and he told me before that she was allergic and didnt really know dogs well.... and he pets dodger and loves up on him and turns to his mom (and this is when i literally almost fainted) "hey mom, have you met melissa?" (HE was proud to know me... and proud for her to meet me, I was just stunned) she was all adorable and said "oh yes, she used to come with her dogs and help me do yard work..." (haha i never did but i could tell at this point of briefly talking to her that she did have memory isues and he wasnt lying) He went on to explain to his mom about old dogs they had growing up and their names etc. she told mer her name... haha so cute. they fawned over my dog and I told him "well thanks again for offering to help with the dog... id love it or if you find anyone for gus, here is my card (hand him my busienss card) you can text me anytime your ready about that and my dogs pic is on it" and he smiled and said thanks, then i told him about my pet business and he told me about something he saw on oprah lol about shelter dogs... oh my how adorable. if its possible to love him more than i did before, i do. i just cant help it, and his eyes. this time he had no sunglasses on it, it was perfection. i could melt. his mom could live with us, i wouldnt mind! HA!
now i just gotta keep my stupid anxiety from scaring me into thinking i scared him by giving him the #.
well folks. thats the update, i am happier than i have ever been. this man REALLY makes me happy and i love that he accepts me and just relates to me like no one else really ever has. its just amazing but i cant get too excited yet... he may never see me that way. i just have to face that reality

Party came and went

If you been following my "love" blogs, you know about the dog party and his seemingly high interest in it, well yesterday, it was and he never came. I felt sad for like 10 minutes but I got over it, being a realist, I wasn't holding out much hope for it. I even understand why, I mean, I assume he just feels like we haven't known each other long yet, its a month yesterday but minus the time I was in Canada and thats just a few weeks. He has never met my family either so sure, its probably odd. I feel bad like I pushed him and made him feel he should come but I know I didn't. Realistically, I only told him once, and that was the day we met, as a neighborly, heads up, every time there after, he referenced it first. It confused me why he seemed so interested yet didn't go but I figure... maybe he was interested. He really wished the timing would of been better and he would of felt more comfortable coming over. Maybe he just loves to talk to me about my dogs and see me happy... who knows.
I did talk to him briefly yesterday, and yes I mean briefly... maybe 5-8 minutes. He was in a hurry to get to a game. I was walking my former foster dog who was here for the party and he saw and waved and made a surprised face and walked down the driveway toward us.."Who is this one?" So I told him about the dog and how I used to foster etc.. then he says "I hear a bunch of dogs over there, must be ready for the party." So I told him, yep. That was also why the dog was with me. We talked about it a bit but I didn't give him the invite as I had left them at home... but I said, after your game is done, you are welcome by if you want and if not, thats fine, I hope you have a great weekend. So I don't feel pushy really because I wasn't but anxiety always makes me fear the worst. He was home yesterday for some of the party but he didn't come. Thats ok though. Really. I wish we had known each other longer then too and he very well may of come. During our chat I also told him about our early am visitor, we had a orphan duckling and how we brought it to a wildlife rehab place "Aww they are so cute aren't they, all fuzzy and such" and "That was very sweet of you, you did the right thing" That smile when he was talking about ducklings and his eyes... EVERY single time... wow...just wow. I wish I had a photo to share with  you guys. Maybe in time.
I realized though that I think we are still ok and I can still casually give my number when its right. Maybe its too soon for him? Yet.. I leave for Europe in 2 weeks and I really want him to have it by then just in case. We will see. I just honestly don't know when the surgery will be and it could be when I am gone and he will be outside even less, and I could of blown my chances. So it must happen. I will leave it up to him though, what, if anything, he does with it. Just putting it out there. Once we chat again. I have a feeling it could be tomorrow, every single monday but the one I was gone, we chat.
My friend was at the party and wanted to see him and was like "Are you mad?" "MAD? No, how could I be?" The thing is... and he hopefully will find this out and it will mean something to him, I think with older man, I have a better chance... I RARELY get mad at anyone, for anything and if I do... most likely I'll forgive you and within a few days. I am a respectful and loyal person, almost to a fault. All supposed good qualities but they haven't got me far yet... so hopefully. I was thinking back on the whole "A" thing and when I thought I might of had feelings for him and how its so VASTLY different from this. "A" and I started as co workers and basically it was easy to just start emailing and texting because we all had that info for each other. He would text me every single day and I thought it was cool. He was in recovery for drug and drinking addicitions and of course, I took pity on him for not having friends here because he was from NY so I befriended him, against everyone I worked with warnings. He played me... he turned on the charm and fed into everything. Including taking advantage of my family and my kindness. It was Nov when I met him and not til Feb sometime when I thought, ok maybe he does like me... and maybe I should give him a shot? He was 8.5 years younger and it bothered me but I overlooked it. He had tons of tattoos and smoked and I overlooked it. He was in recovery and it was a bit of a red flag but I overlooked it. He kept asking me about wanting to go hunting with my dad, I overlooked it. So many things because his charm just played me. I was so grateful none of my friends ever met him... but sadly my family did and they got dooped in the end like I did. Turns out, the only reason he was ever nice to me was my connections in the dog world. He got me to introduce him to the right person and BAM... everything went to hell and fast. It was all an act. I should of known by the stories he told me of how many times and how many camps he got sent around to by his parents. I was a fool. It was not lust... he was not attractive at all... it was not love... it was more like, a friend who I thought I was supposed to be with so I went with it. Looking back, I am glad. He has been a complete and utter douche to people on FB since.
With "Him" (Sorry if you don't know the name, its not being posted on here yet...) its all different and THIS is real love. I have NEVER felt like this for anyone and probably would never again. This was almost instantly I knew there was something different here. He was not just another guy I would casually pass in my life... and he was open with me from day 1... about how he moved in to care for his mom and didn't work right now etc. He took a real interest in me and my dogs and even my family. Sure he could just be lying but really... I don't feel it at all. Nothing about being with him feels wrong or off. Anyone can lie, even your own family. You gotta just trust some people. He looks me in the eyes. ALWAYS "A" rarely did this. I can't go a day without thinking about him all thet time, even just hearing his voice over the fence makes me melt, seeing him outside makes me smile, when we actually talk, even though I have a dog with me, sometimes I forget, because it seems like we are the only 2 people in the world. Everything feels perfect. Thats why this is so horribly hard to realize its not likely to come to anything more... but I can't help how I feel none the less. I just gotta be myself... its got me this far... obviously there is something about me he likes. I am EXCITED to tell my family about him, everytime we talk, I tell them I talked to him again and if they meet, it will make me proud to introduce them. I am EXCITED for my friends to hopefully meet him too someday. This also never happened with "A".  I just hope someday soon we can actually do something (even just text) outside of just talking on walks. He is truly the most amazing man I ever met... and I am horribly sad, that I probably will never be with him in the end but I just gotta enjoy the journey of friendship while its here.
I'll keep you posted